The Tapeworm in Your Stomach Has Also Been Enjoying Sophomore Summer

Sources close to the matter have confirmed that Taenia Solium, the tapeworm living in your stomach, has been really enjoying 23X at Dartmouth College. 

“I’ve been having a blast. Everyone told me sophomore summer would be great, but I almost didn’t believe them, you know?” Taenia Solium is reported as having said to a friend after siphoning off more than a third of the nutrients from your Collis breakfast sandwich. 

Experts agree that the two foot long common pork tapeworm curled in your little intestine has responded positively to conditions during Sophomore Summer. “It’s grown considerably,” said Dr. Chandra Deshmukh at Dartmouth Hitchcock medical center. “Tapeworms only grow like this when they’re in beneficial situations. On ultrasounds we can also see it wriggling in a happy manner,” he added. 

The tapeworm, which first entered your body during the ill-fated “River Tails” Week 1, has made itself quite at home in your lower digestive tract. Despite starting out as a miniscule egg floating in a batch container along with Pacific Punch and Granite State, it has expanded to be almost as long as your outstretched arm over the course of the ten week term, and promises to grow further and consume more of your intestinal tissue. 

The tapeworm’s friends have confirmed that the tapeworm has felt comfortable enough in your overexerted and under-rested frame to begin considering romance. “I’ve been burnt out dating at Dartmouth before, but this summer just has me pumping,” the tapeworm reportedly said, before pumping eggs into your stomach lining just as you were forced to invite a friend “as a joke” to your formal. 

The tapeworm has also enjoyed the long nights in the basement and longer days in mold-infested dorm rooms, where it has taken advantage of the exhaustion of your immune system to expand and consume all that remains of your digestive system. 

At press time, the tapeworm was also looking forward to your fall break trip home where you’ll be too embarrassed to tell your childhood doctor about it. 

— JR ’25