Dartmouth Introduces New Off-Term Funding: Fuck-Off Grants

The Dartmouth Center for Professional Development, in collaboration with the Student Research Fellowship and the Dartmouth Social Compatibility Committee, announced yesterday the creation of a new initiative to expand off-term opportunities for Dartmouth students: Fuck-Off Grants. 

All Dartmouth students are eligible for a Fuck-Off Grant, which provides leave-term funding for any undergraduate  student to fuck off from Dartmouth and go somewhere else for a while. Lawerence Chapman, Interim Senior Executive Vice-President for Off Term Success, explained, “Many Dartmouth students need to quit this two-bit campus before one of us strangles them. Fuck-Off Grants make it happen.” 

 Fuck-Off Grants, unlike other off-term funding grants offered by the college, require no personal application. Instead, potential grantees  will be nominated by a peer who feels they are particularly deserving. Once Fuck-Off Grants have been awarded, grantees will be expected to take the next term off and may live anywhere outside of a hundred-mile radius of Hanover. 

Who might be eligible for a Fuck-Off Grant? Chapman explained that students should consider nominating “brothers who always do shoulder saves even when they have a clear shot without it, drill instructors who pronounce English loan words in overexaggerated accents, club social chairs who send weekly all-campus blitzes disguised as flitzes, happy couples who make out on the Novack swing, and people who walk the frat dog but won’t stop so you can pet it.” 

Dartmouth College will make no effort to track usage of Fuck-Off Grant funding, and will ignore itemized budgets, post-purchase receipts, or after-term reports. Students participating in the program are not expected to grow professionally, personally, or academically. Instead, they are expected to hightail their annoying asses out of town pronto. 

Students have responded positively to the new initiative. Lucy Chen, ’25, plans to nominate her friend “who’s been saying we’re besties. We’re not. We’re just friends.” Caleb Freedman, ’24 is excited to nominate “this one guy who always wears color-coordinated outfits. I’ve seen him around for the last six terms. I don’t know his name, I just want him to fuck off.” On the other hand, Ferdinand Topíc, ’25 is unsure if he will make use of the program. “I want to nominate this guy who keeps inviting me on mushroom foraging trips, but I’m worried if I nominate him, he’ll know I read his texts.” 

Chapman emphasized that the program, while new, is in the vein of earlier Dartmouth programs. “We wouldn’t be here without the groundbreaking ‘Send Your Roommate On a Fake FSP’ project of the early 2000s, sadly canceled during the Great Recession. And of course, we were very inspired by the long-standing Engineering Department policy of allowing students to build catapults to fling their classmates far, far away.” Chapman reiterated, however, that existing college programs to get rid of students will remain functional. “The Skiway will continue to operate, and we look forward to seeing many annoying posers break their legs this winter term.” 

— JR ’25