Dartmouth Political Union Announces that Excess Liz Cheney Attendees Will be Redirected to Alternative BDSM Speaker Liz Chainey

On Monday morning, the Dartmouth Political Union issued a statement on the Democracy summit. “We’re so happy that Dartmouth students are signing up in droves to attend Liz Cheney’s address at the Democracy Summit,” said DPU representative Steven Stork, “but unfortunately we have reached capacity.” Thankfully, Stork announced that the DPU will be providing all excess ticket holders with an alternative but equally valuable experience: an impassioned speech from BDSM advocate Liz Chainey. Stork assured skeptics that Cheney and Chainey have very similar messages for the students of Dartmouth College.

This paper was offered exclusive insight into the speeches, with previews of both speakers’ planned talking points. Liz Cheney will be discussing the binds and shackles that currently weigh down America’s democratic system, and how those same shackles have torn apart the Republican party. Liz Chainey will be discussing how to invest in the proper binds and shackles so they don’t weigh you down too much during the act and you can still lift your arms while you’re being torn apart by a massive dildo. Liz Cheney will also speak on how in the wake of Trumpism taking over, the Republican party needs to seriously be whipped into shape and learn to reach across the aisle more. Similarly, Liz Chainey will speak on the best arm workouts to get yourself into shape so you can whip your partner to the best of your ability. There will also be a brief segment on public intercourse kinks, where Chainey will recommend reaching across the aisle… on a long plane ride when everyone else is asleep. 

There will, however, be some differences in the two speeches. Liz Cheney plans to reflect on her 2022 loss in Wyoming’s primary, and how she will not lie down and take it. Chainey, on the other hand, will advocate for lying down and taking it all like a good little sub. Cheney will also offer the students in attendance a call to action, telling them that they can change the world before them, and that our democratic system was created to be fluid and not rigid. Chainey will tell the students that they’re powerless and can’t do anything as she spanks them repeatedly. She will, however, also mention fluids several times in her presentation. She wants everyone to be rigid by the end of the speech.

Ultimately, Stork successfully advocated that these two experiences will be equally worthwhile for students of Dartmouth College, each providing an essential message about the state of our modern world. Looking at the planned speeches, it’s plain to see that Cheney and Chainey have more similarities than differences. Even the endings are basically carbon copies: Liz Cheney will discuss the impact that her father had on her, both as a parent and as a political mentor. How he molded her and hurt her, how he put in place the precursors to many of the systems that she’s chafing against nowadays.

Liz Chainey will also discuss dick.

—CT ’26