BREAKING: Nuclear Codes to be Replaced with Duo Push

WASHINGTON — In a press release, the Joint Chiefs of Staff announced today that all prior nuclear weapons authorization systems will be replaced with a secure two-factor authentication protocol via Duo Push.

“In this time of global conflict and uncertainty, it’s more important than ever that the president can utilize nuclear forces as quickly as necessary,” said Colonel Dan Sanders, a Defense Department spokesman.

Colonel Sanders confirmed that current nuclear protocols, such as the nuclear codes, or “biscuit,” the secure implementation computer, or “football,” the presidential bodyman, or “receiver,” and the entire chain of nuclear command will be replaced with Duo Push authentication.

“In the event the president feels compelled to exercise his constitutional duty to defend the nation by utilizing our tactical and strategic arsenal of nuclear and thermonuclear weapons, POTUS will enter his username and password (both of which are classified) into his presidential laptop. For security reasons we have disabled Password Manager. POTUS will then be prompted for two-factor authentication, either by SMS text, phone-call, or mobile app. To prevent any technical issues, all three are enabled and usable at POTUS’ discretion.” 

Colonel Sanders asserted that, assuming his phone is not stolen, the two-step authentication process would successfully secure America’s nuclear arsenal so that only POTUS can use them.

“We already have the first level of security with a username and password. But that second tier of needing to unlock the codes on your phone, that’s what really makes this work.” According to anonymous sources in the administration, the username and password are both believed to be securely stored on a presidential sticky note in the White House Situation Room. 

In response to a reporter question, Colonel Sanders stated that POTUS is open and flexible with regards to which form of two-factor authentication he uses, but has shown a personal preference for phone call in nuclear drills. “POTUS is very comfortable with a phone call. Occasionally, an aide has found it necessary to help him navigate the Duo Push app, but he always has been adept at utilizing the phone call verification option.”

“Once two-factor authentication is complete, POTUS will be able to access the nuclear web portal and take any action he deems necessary.”

Colonel Sanders stressed that Duo Push was a logical choice. “We were inspired to use Duo Push by the stellar example of its use at college campuses across the nation. Duo Push has been used to safeguard some of the most closely guarded secrets, such as dining plan options, housing applications, and NRO submissions. If it can protect your SVPP completion status, it can protect the world.” 

At press time, the entire world will come to an end.

— CB ’26 & JR ’25