Sororities to Adopt More Equitable “Golden Ticket” Rush Process

Campus is abuzz this week with the typical chaos of rush sweeping through. While this is an exciting time for some, the annoyances of computerized algorithms, petty grudges against potential new members, and an overall cutthroat bloodbath mentality make those involved eager to adopt a new system. This is why, for the remainder of this recruitment cycle the ISC has implemented a new “Golden Ticket” system in the hopes of making the process easier and more equitable for PNMs.

Instead of the traditional process in which young women must parade from house to house in their best “normal girl” cosplay, this new system hides golden tickets ensuring entry to 1 of the 6 sororities on campus in the food of each DDS location. The Golden Ticket program is the work of new ISC developer, Valencia Valentine, an eccentric and world-renowned sorority recruitment consultant. According to Valencia, “You see, I’m something of a former rush chair myself — inventor, and matchmaker, even — so quiet up, and listen down. I was tasked with the impossible responsibility of making sorority recruitment an enjoyable experience for anyone, so naturally, I’ve resorted to some unorthodox means of reform.” Unorthodox they were. In addition to the golden ticket program, Valentine has replaced Rho Games with more entertaining counterparts called Mumpy Bumpies, who provide PNMs with helpful advice through catchy and didactic songs.

Potential new members have started to develop theories and strategies surrounding securing a bid to a particular sorority. “I had to change my meal plan,” Tati Wilson ‘26 shared, “I was on the 80, but when I heard that Sigma Delt was hiding their Golden tickets in the foco soup basin, I knew I needed the Unlimited. The swipes alone would’ve bankrupted me.” In some DDS locations, recruitment participants have taken to lining up outside in the hopes of being the first to snag a particular bid. The Mumpy Bumpies have done their part to keep those in line entertained. When one particular PNM was rushed to DH due to frostbite, on the spot they recited a tune to comment on the girl’s fate — “Mumpy Bumpy dumpity do, there will be no bid for you, Mumpy Bumpy dumpity deeze, a Kappa bid has caused you to freeze.”

There have been some speed bumps in the implementation of the new Golden Ticket program. In one instance, some golden tickets were mistakenly acquired by three ’27 male students in their HOP salads. When the young men turned up at KDE expecting their bids, Valencia Valentine realized there may be an issue. “It was certainly a bit of a whoopsie daisy on my part, but these things do happen. And I believe that the Mumpy Bumpies and I handled it with a lot of finesse.” The young men were promptly subjected to irrevocable physical torture, such as being stretched by a taffy-pulling machine, as well as relentless taunting through the songs of the Mumpy Lumpies. “It’s no worse than anything PNMs faced during the traditional rush process,” Valentine assured.

-LE ’25