PLEASE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE TAP ME

Dear Dartmouth Senior Societies,

I hope this letter finds you well!

I’m writing to you because I really really really would love to be tapped. I heard all my ’24 friends got tapped and it sounds SO COOL!!! I’m really really good at keeping secrets, like when I never told anyone about how in 4th grade when my friend Laurel lost the class pet during indoor recess and she told everyone she had no idea but I did see her leave it in the bathroom and I think it snuck outside and it was raining so I think it got washed away and then hit by a car. But besides that I just think I’m so cool and chill and would be an amazing part of your super awesome super secret exclusive club.

Last year I heard from this guy that this other guy whose tripee was in class with them whose roommate was tapped by you guys and he’s actually really lame like I remember O-Week when we all went to the river he wouldn’t go into the river because he was scared of SnS and also because he told us his cousin just drowned and then he like cried but I wasn’t afraid and I went into the river and everyone thought I was so brave and I think that you would rather have someone cool like me in your society. 

I said I would never tell but I promise I won’t spill the beans on anything else if you just tap me, pretty pretty please!

I swear I won’t tell anyone I have never gossiped in my life and I just think I’m super lowkey and won’t say anything to anyone at all but like maybe my roommate plus this girl in my econ class who seems cute and I think she might be getting tapped for one too but I also heard from her that one time when she was out she did coke and then proceeded to run all over Webster Ave and she tripped at the end and had to get stitches all over, but I also heard that she actually used some if it as an excuse to cover up her nose job and she told everyone it was actually because of a trip but I know the truth!

I promise I won’t tell anyone else but I will have to add it to my LinkedIn and my hometown’s community Facebook group and you CAN NOT take that away from me because I’m looking for internships right now and I really need all of the potential recruiters to know about how committed I am.

Oh and you should also just know that you should avoid crossing me and know that I keep things hush hush but just between us that time in 4th grade actually it was me who let out the class pet and I framed her because she was actually so annoying and I heard she ran away on the playground when she heard I was playing tag. She was such an opp and not cool.

From,

Sally Means

— BM ’26