Dartmouth Financial Aid Addresses Price Gouging Allegations

Following the release of financial aid award letters in the past weeks, students have been calling for more transparency from the administration in regards to their formulation. The Financial Aid Office, who usually refuses to comment on their process, agreed to a special interview with the Jack-O-Lantern.

Jack-O: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule for this exclusive interview.

Financial Aid: Of course! Financial Aid takes every opportunity to clear the air of rancid poverty breath. We want everyone to know: we’ve never done anything wrong!

JO: And we at Jack-O-Lantern are so glad that you’ve never done anything wrong!

FA: Glad? I thought you were going to tell us we’ve been a naughty, naughty department, and we need to be punished.

JO: Umm…no. I wasn’t. Moving right past that, students have been complaining that their financial aid for the 2024-2025 academic year has decreased. Some claim that they’ve lost as much as 50% of their aid, despite their financial situations remaining the same. How do you address these claims?

FA: Well, as we always say, income and assets. Our rules are clear: less than $125,000 per year with typical assets, full aid. More than $125k? No full aid. Atypical assets? No full aid. Been a bad, bad boy or girl or other? No full aid. Don’t be a bad boy! Leave that to us.

JO: Students are claiming a lack of transparency from your end. What do you count as income and assets?

FA: Simple. I’m not telling! How do you like that? Aren’t you mad? Don’t you just want to put us in our place? Tell us what worthless failures we are, why don’t you?

JO: … Since the price-fixing lawsuit filed against Dartmouth last fall, students have been increasingly unimpressed with Financial Aid as a whole. One student wrote to us, “Their whole ‘demonstrated need’ thing is a trap. Financial Aid calculates away every penny our families have. They’re nothing but shitbags who-”

FA: What did they call us?

JO: Well, they called you shitbags-

FA: Oh yeah. Say it again.

JO: Shitbags?

FA: Tell us how it really is, Jack-O! Call us the dirty little harlots that we are! Spit on our faces and tell us to go to hell! You can even spank us if you want. Come on, come on, come on!

The Jack-O has decided to cut the rest of the interview from this story based on its inappropriate  content. Shocked by the behavior of Financial Aid in this interview, we emailed a Financial Aid spokesperson for comment. Thirty seconds later, we received this response: “We review each aid application individually and independently, all aid is need-based and we meet 100% of demonstrated need for all students regardless of citizenship.”

-M.C.M. ’27