Donald Trump was furious after Kamala Harris announced Tim Walz as her Vice Presidential running mate last Tuesday, feeling undermined in his immigration control policies by a candidate whose last name he misheard as “Walls.” In response, Trump substituted his controversial running mate J.D. Vance for right-wing up-and-comer Tim DiPortation.
“No one is tougher on immigration than me,” Trump stated at a press conference on Friday. “And no Tim polices our borders better than Timothy DiPortation – it’s in his name, folks! I remember the first time I saw him deporting people I said wow, this guy sure deports a lot of people.”
While federal law generally prohibits presidential candidates from changing their running mates after they’re announced, pundits from across the political spectrum agree with the move. They note that Trump’s former running mate J.D. Vance is “creepy as hell” and that “literally anyone else” would be a better choice.
From a Republican perspective, Tim DiPortation’s track record is absolutely spotless. During DiPortation’s tenure as Governor of Texas, he deported all the way up to fourth-generation immigrants, stating that “their infiltration had gone too deep.” DiPortation stationed more border guards on all sides of the state (not just the Mexican border), sent the guy from the Cholula logo “back where he came from,” and drop-kicked unwanted babies over the border wall as a substitute for abortion. When his family dog got sick, he deported it to a farm upstate, and in lieu of a divorce, DiPortation deported his wife, Becky, back to Cleveland after she said he was deporting too many people.
Amid accusations that Tim Walz lied about his military service, Tim DiPortation has a notably spotless record in the Marine Corps. While serving 87 tours in Afghanistan, DiPortation collected six Medals of Honor and three Purple Hearts, two of which were awarded posthumously after he died in the field but before he revived himself and returned to combat.
Democrats note that Trump’s pick is an unhinged man who endorses a violent, Christian-Nationalist narrative which could further divide the country. Political pundits, still creeped out by Vance, endorsed the move nonetheless.
Said one Crate & Barrel furniture spokesman, “Oh thank God.”
-S.S. ’26
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