Student Found Searching“Transfer to Yale” on Eduroam, Arrested By SWAT Team

A SWAT operation unfolded in the early hours of Saturday morning as the culmination of a months-long investigation. 

It all began when the student, Youngmin Lee ‘26, was flagged by Dartmouth authorities after searching “ivy rankigns usnews [sic]” while connected to wifi on eduroam. His search history included many concerning searches, including “does navy blue work with my complexion”, “dartmouth bad redit [sic]”, and “how much caffeine can I consume in a day”. He later was seen with a water bottle adorned with a blue Y. When asked about it, Lee claimed: “I got it for free and I didn’t want to throw it away.” Not convinced, officials hired an ex-CIA agent to bug his room.

In the early morning on November 3rd, the student purportedly searched “tranfer yale commpn app [sic]”. Dartmouth officials were left with no other choice than to alert the FBI. A SWAT team of 24 experienced officers, equipped with body armor, tear gas, and complementary Dartmouth College brochures set up a perimeter surrounding North Mass at 6:29 am. Students were evacuated into Massachusetts Lot, and at 6:47 am, the team breached the eastern door, western door, northern wall, and southern ceiling of the hall. Utilizing state-of-the-art C4 explosives, officers stormed into the two-room double, catching Lee treacherously relaxing on his bed. Kicking over boxes of Cup ‘O Noodles and a large collection of forest green mugs, officers immediately pinned Lee down on his desk.

A brave officer was injured during the operation, stubbing his toe during the raid. He was immediately rushed to DHMC, and with the combined efforts of numerous doctors, nurses, surgeons, and priests, is resting in stable condition with high hopes of making a full recovery. When pressed for comment from the hospital bed, the officer wept, “why doesn’t he like Dartmouth? We have trees! A-and Moose!”

After Lee was taken into custody, officers searched his room, tearing apart his desk and dumping out his mini fridge. Lee’s “poorly trained therapy bulldog” was immediately seized, along with several mysterious blue pennants. 

The student vehemently denied all wrongdoing, and––after an extensive interrogation––revealed simply that his favorite color was blue.

– B. B. ’28 & E. D. ’28