Trump Survives Third Assassination Attempt: The Passage of Time

Earlier this week at a rally in Georgia, Donald Trump survived a third attempt on his life from none other than the Passage of Time. 

Witnesses describe the assassin as a towering figure in a black cloak, holding a long apparatus commonly used to reap souls. One man recalls seeing the sky darkening, as something he could only describe as the Universal Devourer of Life’s Flickering Flame emerged from the depths of the Underworld. As it slouched towards the podium, it screeched, “Time’s up, mortal!” before swinging its scythe at the former President.

“I don’t know how It found me,” remarked Trump at a press conference today, holding up his deteriorating left tibia. “It was probably an illegal immigrant, an illegal alien from the Dimension Beyond. They’re pouring into our country, millions of Grim Reapers. You’ve never seen anything like it in the history of our country.”

The Secret Service is currently under fire for failing to detain the assassin in a timely manner. “I saw It coming and I was pointing at It,” says one witness. “I saw It coming the entire time, but no one came to stop that Inevitable Power which Claims All Men. I’m literally dead.” When reached for comment, the Secret Service did not reply. This is because every last one of them were claimed by the  Eternal Scavenger of All Who Ever Lived. 

“You’ve never seen anything like it,” recalled Trump, holding together the infraorbital foramen of his maxilla with his tongue. “It was huge, and, frankly, the biggest Force of Nature you have ever seen.”

We also reached out to Vice President Kamala Harris for comment. However, the Primordial Harbinger of Eternal Sleep got to her before us. When prompted to speak, the Vice President’s microphone fell right through her mandible and into her ribcage, which promptly crumbled into ancient debris.

At press time, Trump was unable to brag about crowd sizes because everyone else was dead.

– D.Z. ’27