Stupid Freshman Falls

In an event which shocked absolutely no one, stupid fucking idiot freshman Mathew Martin ’28 has completely wiped out on the ice in front of FoCo, embarrassing not just himself, but everyone watching. 

Mathew, who lives in the Choates and has maintained a streak of completely and utterly embarrassing himself like the dumb baby freshman he is, has completely topped himself with the overwhelmingly public nature of what is just the latest in a series of avoidable and idiotic failures.

Mathew, who seems to be laser guided to do the most foolish things at the most inopportune times, kept up his streak with this wipe out. Not only did he face plant hard into the ice after struggling like a baby giraffe learning to walk for the first time, but he did so during the lunch rush, ensuring as many people as possible saw his complete and utter failure. 

Before even connecting with the ground, Mathew was the number one trending topic on all social media platforms. Several accounts dedicated simply to reposting his absolutely humiliating fall have since sprung up. Since he is a brainless idiot freshman, Mathew likely has no idea that everyone witnessed him trying and failing to get up for three entire minutes, culminating with him hitting the ice again.

This has led to what onlookers have described as “an overwhelming and all consuming disgust and hatred for Mathew and everything he stands for,” or, more accurately, everything he doesn’t stand for. As if that wasn’t enough, upon connecting with the ice, Mathew let out a sound which has been described by witnesses as “like a kicked puppy mixed with choking.” An absolutely perfect encapsulation of how much of an unintelligent, vacuous oaf Mathew is.

Among those in attendance to see Mathew completely eat shit on the ice, were Jessica Albarn ’28, a member of Mathew’s GOVT class, and Tyler Lee ’26, incoming president of Kappa Epsilon Gamma.

“I was going to give him my number after next class, but after seeing that bonehead fall on the ice, I think I’ll switch seats and loudly announce I have a boyfriend if he gets within fifty feet of me,” Albarn was reportedly heard saying to a friend mere seconds after the incident.

Lee meanwhile was observed muttering, “Yikes, there goes that guy’s chance of ever getting a bid. No house would ever take someone so moronic they fall on the ice in front of everyone like a complete dumbass.” 

The head of First Year Fellows, who Mathew has been trying to make connections with since his early admission, chimed in to add even more salt to the gaping wound that is Mathew’s pathetic and useless freshman existence. “I thought Mathew was a smart guy. Now I’m on the phone with the admission’s office to rescind his acceptance and also kill him.”

—PJ ’27