Yes, He Got Into Harvard and Princeton. But He’s Settled on Dartmouth This Fall

This fall, Dartmouth is honored to welcome an exceptional student, Henry Carleton ’29. But what makes Carleton so special? This past year, Henry was accepted to several prestigious institutions, including Princeton, Yale, and Harvard, along with the University of Pennsylvania and the University of Chicago. However, Carleton has chosen the humble route and agreed to attend Dartmouth College. 

When we asked Carleton about why he chose Dartmouth, Carleton was excited to indulge us.

“When I visited the reputable universities to which I was accepted I felt among my fellow exceptional intellectuals. I felt a real sense of what Foucault called the spirit of discourse. Or was it Lacan? But on a car ride to my family’s little cabin in Vermont– just a little home away from home –I asked my dad to take a detour to visit Dartmouth, figuring it would be humorous to see the drunken buffoonery of his alma mater. However when I walked onto campus and saw the clowns who ‘dreamed of one day attending Dartmouth’ I felt a sense of quaint charm. It was like Walden Pond. These simpletons were having fun chasing around frisbees like a dog, publishing in third-rate journals and getting excited  by their 4 Nobel prize winning professors. Dare I even mention it, but  Harvard, Princeton and the University of Chicago, all schools I received admittance to, have a combined 69 prize winners.” 

Carleton explained that he felt attending Dartmouth was a charitable act. 

“This school could use some intellectual gravitas and heft. I want to help educate those who never had the chance to experience the UPenn’s welcome packages. Maybe one day my fellow pupils could experience the joy of superior education – or even comprehend what they’re missing, those slack-jawed abecedarian..”

Despite his hopes of civilizing the Dartmouth students, he believes that these people can teach him something as well. “Dartmouth’s naive student body warms my heart. Seeing those poor Phillips Andover kids excited by their acceptance letter is like watching those videos of poor kids getting excited over a hula-hoop!”

That charm extends to their school pride. “They are all so excited by their alumni, with the most notable being a failed presidential candidate who had a heart-attack banging his secretary, a supporting cast member on a 3rd-rate sitcom about paper, and a children’s author who bamboozled America’s youth into thinking Zizzer-zazzer-zuzzs are real creatures and trees were worth saving. It reminds me of a quote from Harvard alumnus John F. Kennedy–”

Carleton’s quote was too muddled by his poor impression of JFK to be transcribed. Fortunately, Carleton plans to “educate the masses on his humble nature” by telling you and the rest of your Humanities 1 course about his acceptances fall term. 

 “In all honesty, though I admire the intellect my peers at those other schools have, their arrogance is not conducive to my educational outlook. Of course, you know how those Yale kids are when it comes to boasting about their accomplishments. Oh wait, you wouldn’t. Early decision, am I correct? Actually I don’t even need to ask. I see that public school hoodie on you.”

At press time, Carleton is struggling to keep up with 3 classes, scared away several friends and has his SAT score (which he would like to add was a 1580) pinned to his dorm wall.

—BM ’26