Dartmouth Dining’s Brave New Stance Against Any and All Criticism: “It’s Not Like We Traded Luka”

Tired of defending their actions, Dartmouth Dining Services has adopted a new approach designed to highlight the relative soundness of their decision-making. This strategy focuses on reminding students of the boneheaded decision made by the Dallas Mavericks’ inept general manager, Nico Harrison, to trade generational superstar Luka Dončić to the Los Angeles Lakers.

Giddy to share this new perspective and boost approval ratings, DDS Director Pon Jlodzik  hosted a town hall Tuesday evening. See below for the transcript. 

Q: Have the hand scanners actually improved anything at Foco?

A: It is the official stance of Dartmouth Dining that installing hand scanners has been a better decision than trading Luka Dončić. 

Q: The new layout of Novack is extremely inconvenient! It’s so crammed that I can’t move and it takes much longer to get snacks now. Can you change it back?

A: The new layout is meant to protect against theft, which is really bad for organizations. Just look at the Mavericks; they were robbed by the Lakers and are way worse off than we are. 

Q: Why are portions so small? My swipe can’t even cover a single chicken nugget and half a moldy strawberry. 

A: I actually think that is a great return on investment. Want to know what isn’t? Sending a 26-year-old, five-time All-NBA First Team selection, and perennial MVP candidate, Luka Dončić, to the Lakers in exchange for 32-year-old Anthony Davis, whose nicknames are “Day-to-Davis” and “Street Clothes” given his constant injuries. So you can be upset about pricing, but it’s not like we traded Luka. 

Q: Do you understand how much worse the Hop is with the new kiosks? 

A: Do you understand how much worse the Mavericks are with no Luka?

Q: Are you going to defend every DDS complaint by saying “it’s not like we traded Luka”? That was one mistake and you’ve made so many! 

A: Nice try, Nico Harrison-slash-Mavericks organization apologist. You can take shots at us all you want, but just remember that in the last few years, the Dallas Mavericks have fumbled Luka Dončić, Kristaps Porzingis, and Jalen Brunson. Plus have you seen how well Quentin Grimes is doing? He’s damn near averaging 30 points per game in Philly right now! And Nico Harrison traded him PLUS A PICK for an old, injured Caleb Martin. So yeah, we’re not perfect. But by god- if we aren’t angels compared to the Mavericks. Did you know they traded Luka Dončić!?

-MF ’25