Dartmouth to Build Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud Institute for Fossil Fuels

At a press conference this Wednesday, President Beilock announced plans to build the new Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud Institute for Fossil Fuels. This announcement came shortly after the Saudi Crown Prince’s controversial meeting with President Trump. Following the meeting, Beilock stated: “We are deeply thankful to Prince Al Saud for helping to create the next generation of businessmen that will cover up Gulf oil spills.”

The Institute’s announcement came after a 12 billion dollar donation from Prince Al Saud. The donation, the largest Dartmouth has ever received, follows an unprecedented volume of sophomores declaring as environmental studies majors. The donor, Prince Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud, is a controversial figure internationally. He has been accused of puppeteering a war in Yemen along with “allegedly” assassinating Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi, a critic of his, in 2018. 

The monumental project will take an estimated 31 years and 10 billion dollars to complete. It will be located in the space currently known as Pine Park and will occupy all 100 acres. To make space for the building, “volunteer” laborers will begin working 16 hours a day to clearcut every tree in the area. The Jack-O-Lantern attempted to interview one such volunteer, but he ran away screaming “!لا مراسلين”

Anthony Nolan ’25+1, a computer science major from Tampa is in favor of the new building.

“I’m really excited for there to be less trees at Dartmouth; our school is far too green. I go outside and there’s both grass, trees, and other plants. Why do we need all that?”

The Al Saud Institute will be equipped with both a coal mine and an oil drill. In a poll conducted by the random quantitative social science kid you know, 95% of students are in favor of this new building.

However, James Rockefeller ’27, an economics major from Odessa, Texas, is part of the 5% who disapproves. 

“While I love Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud as much as the next guy, they’re really making a muck of this new project. They should know that there’s no oil under Pine Park; it’s far too close to the river. Under Topliff would be a much better drilling spot.”

The Institute for Fossil Fuels will have many other state of the art features: a comically large smoke stack spewing black fumes, a large pool of oil used for animal testing, and even a microplastics smoothie bar.

Another excited student, Elizabeth Thyssen ’29, an environmental studies major from the coal mining town of Welch, West Virginia, had this to say:

“Oh boy am I so ready for that smoke stack. Hanover’s air is far too clean. The kids with asthma are currently able to go running, which is ridiculous”

When questioned about the project, President Beilock refused further comments, walking off the podium and flying away in her brand new private jet.

-OT ’29