How to Read Your Physiology Textbook

by Alex Procton ’15

1. Try to actually read the words

This step is really only a formality. Don’t pretend that any of the words make sense. “Homeostasis” isn’t a real thing. “Protein” isn’t a real thing. “Phosphofructokinase” is definitely a completely made up word. Don’t bullshit, biologists. Learning should not be on your mind, because the main point of this step is to give you plausible deniability when you have to face up to your prof (see step 4).

2. Personify your cells and organs

This is unlikely to get you credit on the exam, but it is a lot of fun to imagine that your brain is shouting at all of your other organs for not pulling their own damn weight. You can pretend that your heart is a power plant! Red blood cells are oxygen-delivery trucks! Fat is a gang of surly workers who like to protest whenever you exercise. Your liver is a port, and it sends out container ships of blood sugar to your muscles. Your pituitary gland has a tyrannical Napolean complex, which is why it made you go through puberty. Your liver is…not getting paid enough to filter all that alcohol out of your bloodstream!

3. Ask someone smarter than you

Someone on your floor has taken more biology than you have. Find them, then demand that they explain how gas exchange works. Be prepared to incentivize this with money, food, sexual favors, or professional laundry services.

4. Try to work it out in class

Listen carefully to what your professor is saying. This means that you should only check Facebook once every five minutes. If you still don’t get it, ask questions, but make sure you don’t reveal how little you understand. Science faculty can smell confusion on your breath, and they will begin deducting points from your final if you show any weakness.

5. Look it up online

First, use Wikipedia. When your head starts to hurt, move to the simple English Wikipedia. If this is too complicated, don’t worry! Biology is very difficult to understand, and you’ll definitely make more money after college as an econ or philosophy major.