Frommer’s Guide to The Friend Zone

The Park
Set amidst the backdrop of leafless trees and an overcast sky, the park is a great place to remember that one moment you shared on the swing set this past summer, just a week before she started her new job and met Shithead Darren. A favorite spot among smiling couples who are unfazed by the cold wind and utter meaningless of existence.

Darren’s Birthday Party
Taking place some time Shithead Darren hopefully never lives to see, this festival marks the anniversary of the coming of the antichrist. While there, make note of way she touches your shoulder when she asks if you’re having fun, and be sure to take advantage of the local wines and liqueurs.

Victoria’s Secret
Take a stroll through aisles of lacy pink underwear as she tries to pick out the perfect belated “gift” for Shithead. It is customary not to imagine her naked at any time during your visit, nor would it be advised to profess your feelings for her when she mentions that SD seems a little distant lately. Take mental pictures of her expression when the saleswoman refers to you as her boyfriend. Look back on them for years to come and wonder what the hell kind of game she was playing.

YouPorn.com
Hours of fun to be had at this remote site searching for a girl who looks virtually identical to her. Once found, freeze frame on a closeup of her smiling face. Ignore the glaring sense that you will never make her feel as happy as her slutty doppelgänger seems in that moment. Gently stroke the screen as you break down to Ray Charles’ “You Don’t Know Me.”

Her Window
Accessed only by a steep drunken climb up a fire escape, Her Window is the perfect place to take in the view of her sleeping figure. Recommended only for the extremely desperate, as it is easy to let one’s better judgement and pride get in the way of a grand adventure!