Universe Fails To Win Own Beauty Contest

Both the fashion and science worlds are in a hubbub since last week’s Miss Universe Pageant, which featured an unexpected guest—the universe itself. A late entry, the eponymous universe literally waltzed onto stage, in what critics called a less-than-humble nod to the opening of Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey. Despite this confident and clever entrance, the universe scored near dead last in the beauty portion of the contest.

“As far as talent, I’m impressed. You’ve got literally everything going on,” commented fashion mogul and pageant judge Esteban Alvarez. “But the look is just plain chaos.”

“The dimensions are too big,” lamented another about the sheer incomprehensible scope of space.  “Come on, honey, the plus-size competition’s down the hall.”  A third added that the grand pattern of creation looked “just plain tacky.”  Though all gave the universe low points for style, the judges could not agree whether it was over- or under-designed.

Attacks continued against the beleaguered contestant as viewers chimed in online, calling the vast tapestry of galactic superclusters “a hot mess” that is “falling apart as we speak.”  “Ugh, the colors…” one complained.  “It’s like a trash bag God was huffing paint from.”  Another viewer criticized the faint light from distant stars as “years behind the times.”  “It’s all so…old,” they continued.  “Just, like, way old.”

The entry was not without its supporters, however.  Astronauts, astrologists, and other overall fans of the universe spoke up in favor of the get-up.  As Josephine Heinrich, widely recognized as the cutting edge in spacesuit couture, put it, “It’s elegant in its simplicity, yet refined in its complexity.  And besides, black is always in.”

Meanwhile, the judges maintain that the universe’s mere presence was profoundly unsettling.  “I’m sorry, but realizing the trifling nature of your physical being compared to the totality of existence…that just doesn’t do it for me,” commented Alvarez.  “And when asked what it could best do to help society, the universe only let out this cruel bellow of laughter.  Or so I’m told.  It was too deep for human ears.”

At press time, the universe could not be contacted for its opinion on the debate.  It appears to remain unmoved by mortal conflict as the cold, isolated, and inevitable death of our race draws ever closer.

-MJ ’14