How Is This Bag Full of Children Supposed To Fit Into My Workaday Lifestyle?

In this day and age, no one has time for kids, let alone a bag full of them. So how am I expected to keep to all my important calls, appointments, and personal obligations when I’ve got this pesky bag of kids to lug around? Is this what every working person with a bag full of children has to look forward to? Ridiculous.

When I took on this canvas sack full of kids, I didn’t expect any favors. Just some leave time from work, and maybe a helping hand or two from my family. But what did they do for me but try to wrench the bag from my hands and contact the authorities. Now I have to lug this bag around and escape to a place where I can safely raise, or more likely sell, these kids. Like I’m in a position to take a trip abroad. What a mess.

While I’d never wish this life on my worst enemy (probably the border cop who said “Please open your bag”), I can’t say I haven’t formed a deep sentimental bond with my bag of children. Every day brings new surprises, like when I heard the bag say “Mama” and “water.” Or when the bag took its first desperate steps towards an open manhole. But trying to keep down a stable life with this craziness? Unheard of.

It’s a struggle, but these days it looks like I have no choice but to cut back on my 50-hour work week, and spend all my time hauling ass to Panama with this needy bag of kids. I know I shouldn’t hit a bag full of kids, but sometimes I want to just make it understand the sacrifices I make for it. It’s like, I took off work and blew through the Mexican border just to drive you somewhere. It’s nothing but whine, whine, whine as I bring the entire Tijuana highway patrol down on my ass. Do you know how many people would do that for their bag of kids? Not many.

Look, I know there’s plenty of people in this world who are not blessed with a plump canvas bank bag full of stolen kids. But I can’t help but think I’m not cut out for a bag of kids, especially when there’s dozens of helicopter loudspeakers telling me I should just give up. Like everyone else in this world, I have work to think about, and the M24 sniper rifles trained at my head. A bag full of kids is the last thing I need right now.

-MG ’14