Keep the Gays Out of Your Dreams

Condemning homosexuality is a tough job that takes a lot out of me, so I need to make sure that I have the best possible rest in order to face the day with all-consuming hatred. I need a sleep medication that works for me. Some sleep medications promise you eight or so hours of pure, uninterrupted sleep, but they can’t make the Westborothazine PM guarantee. Other drugs may knock you out, but they can’t promise that the gays won’t infiltrate your dreams. Westborothazine PM can. With its patented formula of whiskey, industrial-strength Nyquil, horse tranquilizer, holy water and Tobasco Sauce, Westborothazine is the only medicine out there that will keep those homos out of your nightmares while you rest up to hate another day.

My Uncle Buck used to go to bed after a long day of telling people about the horrors of sodomy only to dream about being leather clad in a bar called “Oyster Juice” kissing and grinding up on a bunch of brawny guys with waxed chests and names like Darren and Tayshawn. He couldn’t stand it. That’s exactly what he was trying to avoid. But then he started taking Westborothazine PM and knocked those dreams right out the door, just like we did to my little sister when we caught her watching Ellen.

And the fun doesn’t stop there. Why only keep those gay thoughts out at night when you can take Westborothazine AM? The new patented formula is guaranteed to keep your mind free of those pesky homo-erotic mud wrestling competitions where Rico has me in a choke hold while gently fondling my lower back and whispering to me about how dirty I am. I am so dirty. Oh boy, I need to be punished. Are you gonna punish me Rico? Oh I bet you are, you saucy, Brazilian masseuse. What’s that? You just took off my loin-cloth using only your mouth? Oh boy, well now it’s my tu—You can get rid of hellish fantasies such as that during the day to keep your mind focused on the prize: telling people that I am totally not gay—I mean—telling people that gays are bad. Westborothazine AM’s proven mix of Red Bull, Coors Light, menthol, A1 steak sauce and a little bit of Cholula, will keep your mind as sharp as the knife I brought to school with me when I found out my gym teacher had been to Provincetown.

And don’t worry ladies, there’s a product for you too. You can take Westborothazine Fem AM and PM to keep those butch, woman on woman thoughts out of your mind. These meds can help you women focus on spreading our message instead of thinking about other women’s vaginas, which, I of course think are totally great and really cool. I am a big fan of the good old cooter. Don’t give me any Westborothazine Fem AM or PM, because oh boy would I be mad if I had to stop thinking about breasts and other lady parts—which I love.

Please go to our website: www.trustme,thegaysarelikesuperbad.com to order your Westborothazine. If you order now, you can get a Value Pack that comes with two of our other great products: GayAway, our patented homo-repellant, and FairyDust, a special dust that specifically picks up the fingerprints of homosexuals, telling you the stuff that they touched and that you will subsequently need to burn. As much as we would love to give Westborothazine to everyone, we have a strict, no selling to homos-policy. So, just before giving us your credit card info, you will need to take a quick, 50-question online survey proving your heterosexuality. The survey is not that difficult, at least, it’s not if you’re as straight as any God-fearing man is, like me of course. I just can’t wait to go home and have sex with my wife and her beautiful and totally not intimidating and disgusting vagina. Oh boy, I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about putting my penis inside of that thing.

So, please, buy our product. All proceeds go to picket sign production and obnoxious funeral interruptions. Don’t miss out on this awesome opportunity to stop having gay thoughts. I know that I’m glad I use Westborothazine. I totally don’t miss my spontaneous daydreams of lying on a beach, tangled up in Rico’s warm, muscle-knotted body, sipping sangria and watching the sun dance on his bronzed chest while we tickle each other’s necks with our hot breath. Thanks to Westborothazine AM and PM, I can say goodbye to Rico and hello to an uninterrupted workday and night. Goodbye Rico. Goodbye…

-DZ ’16