Mommy, Look At The Silly Gunman

Mommy, look! Look at that silly man. He has a real silly coat on. You think he’s a detective? Or maybe even a wizard! Look at him frowning and drooling, like a baby, trying to hide that big clunky gun. I don’t wanna go to Payless! I want you to look at that silly man.

The silly man can’t hide the gun, Mommy, it’s so big and clunky. “A-K 102.” I read it like a big kid, Mommy! I know I’m not ‘posed to stare, but he looks real funny stuffing that gun in his bulging duster coat. He’s like the magician at my birthday, who had the big rainbow rope in his clothes. But this man has an AK-102.

You hear him, Mommy? You hear the funny man spouting Jesus stuff? He sounds like the garbage clunker, rrrrr-rrrrr-grrrrrr. Ow, quit pulling me! I’m sorry I pointed at the funny ‘X’ on his forehead, it was impolite, but trust me when I say this man might be dangerously silly.

I don’t watch too much TV! I watch just enough TV to know that there probably aren’t Nerf darts in his gun. I watch enough to know that he has “clinical shits-o-frenia” and has lacked the proper care to prevent a massively lethal outburst. Ow! I didn’t mean to swear, but forget the goddamn shoes and just look at the silly man!

Mommymommymommymommymommy! The silly man is loading the clip! Oh dear god, Mommy, if you think I’m “causing a scene” just look at the man. He’s about to make things super silly, Mommy, real silly real quick. I do I want you to take me home right now, yes, Mommy, that’d be great. Sure, call Daddy. Call Daddy and tell him I love him very much.

Mommy, are you seeing this?! That goofy-lookin’ SWAT team is swinging through the skylights, like funny little monkeys! They’ve taken the silly man out, Mommy! Sweet Jesus, Mommy, we’re saved! We stood in the absurdly silly shadow of death and emerged unscathed. Oh, Mommy, did you see that? Did you see?

You’re the fucking worst, Mommy. You know that.

-MG ’14