The Six Aliens You Meet in College

The Sorority Alien

This alien, normally a parasitic , Omega Centaurian shapeshifter just loves her sisterhood. She’s always either talking about the next mixer she’ll attend or which Sigma Nu’s DNA she wants to replicate. And she wears so much makeup. Probably just to cover up the mercury blemishes her skin is developing in our oxygenated atmosphere.

The Stoner Alien

This alien, usually one of those body snatchers from the Lower Andromeda Quartile, can barely make it to class, let alone take field notes on human weaknesses to exploit for methods of colonization. He just sits in his dorm and inhales zero-gravity cannabis through his exo-pulmonary apparati.

The Bookworm Alien

These aliens never leave the library, soaking up as much about our species as they can like the true homophiles they are. Whenever you want to meet up with them they are either “studying up for a midterm” or “analyzing human crowd patterns to maximize tractor beam efficiency”. They’re total buzzkills.

The Frat Star Alien

This alien, typically a Fornax-Cluster native, really knows how to make his cyto-synthetic-skin-suit party. He will put down beers like the black holes his galaxy is so famous for. You can find him raging at a toga party, prowling the basement scene for a lonely hottie or taking soil and air samples to best calibrate shield materials for his enterprise’s fleets.

The Activist Alien

This alien will never shy away from injustice. She will stand up for whatever cause she believes in. Granted, she is just doing so to better understand and prepare for the human protests following her solar system’s imminent invasion of our planet. While she may be standing next to you now with at picket sign rally against your cafeteria’s use of non-local kale, soon enough, she will be the one breaking up your anti-alien-overlord sit-in.

The Acapellalien

The voice-mimicking matrix employed by this barium-based extra-terrestrial will hit every note in the tenor part of that Sara Bareilles song that was arranged by her group’s musical director. When she’s not pretending to be an instrument with the “BarTenors” she’s most likely contacting the mother-ship of her interstellar mining company with updates on Earth’s manganese reserves. Also, her solo of Regina Spektor’s song Eet is amaaaaaaaazing.

DZ ’16