Students addicted to Trivia Crack find solace in actual Crack

After weeks of insomnia and uncontrollable rage, Alexis Carter ’18 is finally on the road to recovery from her Trivia Crack addiction. What’s her secret? Actual crack.

“I knew I needed help when I started fantasizing about killing my roommate after she told me the wrong year that Justin Bieber’s first album came out,” Carter said. When Janice Abbot, a nurse at Dick’s House, suggested hitting the pipe the idea seemed crazy, but Carter couldn’t be more pleased with the results. “I’m so busy looking for my next hit that I don’t even think about whether or not my lives have reloaded yet!” Carter said.

Abbott estimates that about 10% of Dartmouth students may be showing symptoms of Trivia Crack addiction; however, her main concern is with the deepening division between the Trivia Crack “haves” and “have nots.” “The kids that can level up faster have elite status on campus—students won’t form study groups or go on dates without knowing the other’s level and worst category,” Abbott said, “Some of the doctors are even refusing treatment to students under level 30.”

As a licensed medical professional, Abbott recognizes the potential benefits of crack-smoking as a curative measure and has begun referring her patients to dealers. “It can’t be that bad,” Abbott said, “I smoke a little everyday and no problems here!”

Thanks largely to Abbott, crack has seen such a spike in demand that several enterprising students joined forces to form a support group/drug ring. Co-founder Julia Eiseman ’16 commented, “Smoking crack together really fosters a sense of community that helps ease the rehabilitation process.” She also noted that crack’s quick high gives her more free time to do homework and hang out with her friends. “When I was deep in my addiction I alienated a lot of people, but now I see my friends four or five times a day at meetings, sometimes more!” Eiseman said.

Members have responded well to the program—Ethan Browning ’17, a new member to the group, was in a dark place before finally seeking help. “My opponents were always putting me down and telling me how stupid I was for not knowing what country was home to tree-climbing goats. My new crack dealers have been so welcoming and supportive, I can really tell they want me to get better!” Browning said.

Ultimately, Carter and others say they just can’t believe how much more manageable everything has become since taking that first hit. “Crack has given me back my life,” Carter said, “and I’m never going back.”

 

      –KE ‘18