Pancakes!

You bet your ass we have pancakes, and we’ll sell them to you too.  Just take a look at that price on the menu.  You pay that price and we’ll sell you those pancakes and you’ll eat each and every one with your mouth.  And I don’t want to hear any complaints coming from your table because our pancakes are the best in the business, and if you have a problem with that well then you shouldn’t have paid for them.  We even throw in the silverware for free, plus tax.  We’re talking forks knives and spoons, that’s a three for one that’s second to none.  So just sit back and tuck that napkin into your handkerchief hole because this is going to get messy faster than you can say maple.  Oh you didn’t think we forgot about the syrup, did you?  Our pancakes aren’t complete without our special sticky sauce, made fresh in the United States with extra calcium for your bones.  Just slather that syrup in between those cakes and let Mother Nature do the rest.  She’s a feisty fiend but she makes a mean stack of silver dollars.  And we only pay her minimum wage!  That’s economics at work, my friend, and if you’re not demanding what we’re supplying then you’re missing out on the finest flapjacks this side of the Pacific.  Not that I have to tell you twice.  Just one bite and your taste buds are going to be pinching themselves to make sure they still have fingers.  But take heed of the heat!  They aren’t called hot cakes for nothing: just ask the blisters in your buccal cavity.  Those are burns of the third degree, and no amount of ice water can take the cotangent of that angle.  You can kiss your breath goodbye because your throat is swelling up like batter on the griddle.  Make sure you try one last piece of pancake before the sweet embrace of death ships you off to Satan.  These savory saucers are so tasty they’ve been called homicidal by a jury of my peers!  Looks like I’ll be joining you shortly, my perished patron.

–CL ’18