All Frackets Found

Archaeologists excavating an ancient Mayan pyramid in the remote Nicaraguan jungle have found what they believe to be 8,743 frackets taken from Dartmouth College fraternities.

The treasure trove also contained gold, rubies and accursed objects. But also, lots of black North Faces. Like, an insane number of black North Faces.

Archaeologists explained why the frackets were found hoarded in a Mayan temple, rather than the dorm of some alcoholic student who continually steals frackets when she’s blackout.

“We believe they were used for a Mayan ritual,” the lead archaeologist said. “The Mayans believed the frackets had the magical property of still keeping people warm even in temperatures that should have been way too cold for just a fleece or something. But most precious to the Mayans were those frackets which that ancient people thought might also give them the gift of flight, The Canada Goose.”

The current consensus of archaeologists is that the frackets were taken by the few remaining practitioners of the Mayan religion, who used them as sacrifices to the Mayan snake God Kukulcan, rather than by assholes who think its perfectly justifiable to take someone else’s frackets because their own jacket got stolen and it’s kind of cold out.

Students had varying reactions to the discovery.

“Wait that doesn’t make sense,” one student said. “I swear I saw some drunken TDX wearing my fracket once. But then again, when I confronted him, he did say something about the ancient snake God Kukulcan.”

A spokesman for SNS said the claim that the frackets were stolen for ancient Mayan rituals was convincing.

“It makes sense,” the spokesman said. “Before 2002, we never had frackets stolen. Then one day, the sun was blotted out by an eclipse, it rained down blood from the heavens and everyone started losing frackets. In hindsight, it seems obvious.”

Reports also indicate that a thousand Patagonias from the College had been found in remote Southern Argentina.

-CB ’19