Residents of Triple Still Trying to Decide Which Roommate to Ostracize

As of this Monday, freshman triple residents Ali Stearns ’18, Taylor Murphy ’18, and Megan Rogers ’18 are still debating which of the three roommates should be awkwardly and conspicuously ostracized for the rest of the year.  Knowing that their healthy three-person dynamic can’t last forever, the roommates are looking for any slight difference in personality or opinions that could cause one of them to be ridiculed and excluded.

“Everyone told us when we chose a triple that two of us would end up getting much closer than the third roommate, creating a dynamic where one person feels consistently left out and disliked,” explained Stearns, a resident of Russell Sage 216, “So far, we’ve stayed pretty close as a trio, but I know there will inevitably be some falling out that leads one of us feel unwelcome in her own room.”

When asked to predict which of the three girls might become the odd one out, Murphy told reporters that it’s still up in the air.  “If we’re going by taste in sports and music, it’s definitely Ali.  Once she asked to fast forward through my favorite song,” Murphy explained, referencing the closest thing to a disagreement that the roommates have had so far.  Murphy went on to clarify that excluding Rogers is also a viable option, as Rogers is the only roommate not originally from the East Coast.

To hasten the process of upsetting their precarious three-person friendship, the roommates have recently introduced topics such as politics and religion into their nightly bedtime conversations, hoping to identify some fundamental disagreement that will cause two of them to have a massive fight and stop speaking to one another.  Once this happens, says Rogers, “it’s only a matter of time before the third person chooses a side and our entire relationship disintegrates.”

In the meantime, the three roommates are doing almost everything together, waiting for the day when some division will become apparent that causes one of them to be permanently left out of shared activities.  “Like most friendships involving three people, we can tell this just isn’t sustainable,” says Murphy, “I just hope we can figure out who to gang up on sooner rather than later so we can finally decide who gets the top bunk.”

-AR ’18