President Hanlon Announces Jacket Sanctuary

MCNUTT HALL—“No one deserves to be abandoned by their friends at a fraternity,” began College President Philip J. Hanlon’s speech last Thursday. “Not even a jacket.”

President Hanlon called this press conference to address a perennial problem of fratgoers across Dartmouth—the disappearance of frackets.

Hanlon continued, “Today, I would like to publicly announce a project that has been near and dear to my heart for a long time—the Phil Hanlon and Gail Gentes Fracket Sanctuary. For years, I’ve spent my Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays going up and down Frat Row, searching for any fracket that might need my help. And I’m proud to say that I’ve saved over 3,000, from Canada Goose coats tucked under couch cushions at GDX to ratty old hoodies in the corner of the Sig Nu basement.

“A whole room in my house is just black North Faces stacked floor-to-ceiling,” the President confessed.

When asked to elaborate on the purpose of the Sanctuary, Hanlon replied, “To show the frackets love, of course! I wear each of them every once in a while, so they don’t get too lonely,” he said, adjusting the zipper of the fluorescent pink youth XL ski jacket he was currently wearing.

The tone of the room changed when one reporter brought up the possibility that students may be returning to find their frackets snatched by Hanlon.

After a prolonged silence, the President answered, “Listen, the world isn’t perfect. That’ll happen from time to time, but these kids are young and healthy, and, besides, they’ve still got a beer jacket on.

“Take last night, for example. This ’20 was absolutely blackout; there was no way she was going to get home without losing her coat. Better I make her walk home cold than let that poor little thing get booted on and abandoned in the snow.”

With a shrug, he asked the audience, “What would you do?”

As of press time, President Hanlon was seen crawling behind the bar in Psi U, disentangling tied-together frackets before their owners returned.

– ZQ ’19