Programming Board Announces Plan to Revamp Green Key Ticketing System After Learning that Six Hundred Members of the Incoming Class of 2022 Have No Wrists

Despite receiving positive feedback from students, guests, and campus security officials alike regarding its current Green Key ticketing system, Dartmouth’s undergraduate Programming Board announced via campus-wide email last weekend that it would be forced to stop using wristbands as entry passes for the annual Green Key concert after this spring, a policy change that presumably stems from the fact that approximately six hundred students in Dartmouth’s incoming freshman class have no wrists.

“Let’s be totally clear here,” said Joanna Martin, director of the Dartmouth Accessibility Office, in an interview with Jacko reporters and Programming Board representatives held earlier this week. “Very few special accommodations are going to have to be made for these students because it’s not like they don’t have hands. They do. It’s just that they don’t have wrists. They can write normally, handle objects normally, and really do pretty much everything normally. They just can’t wear wristbands, because they don’t have wrists.”

Upon reaching out to members of the newly-formed Dartmouth Class of 2022, Jacko reporters learned more about these curious freshmen. “Yeah, I mean, I have an arm, and it definitely tapers from my elbow down to where my wrist would be, ” said Dustin MacMorrow, an incoming freshman from Omaha, Nebraska. “And then I have my hand like anybody else would. It’s just that between the end of my arm and the bottom of my hand, there’s about 3 inches of empty space. I mean, the hand just kind of floats. You can pass a deck of cards through there, some rope, really anything you want. It’s just open air right there. I’m not really sure how it works from a physics perspective, to be honest. I guess I’ve never really thought about it. But it’s really no big deal, because when I move my arm, my hand moves with it, and my fingers work just fine. And besides, watches are pretty much out of style now, right?”

At press time, a representative from Dartmouth’s Programming Board informed Jacko reporters that necklaces would be distributed as Green Key show tickets in 2019, a plan that would likely provide a long-term solution to the concert ticketing issue were it not the case that 75 percent of students receiving marketing materials for the classes of 2023 and beyond have heads that float independently above their torsos.