Religious Groups on Campus Absolutely Burning with Sexual Tension

An investigation by this paper has found that religious groups on Dartmouth’s campus have become magnets for extreme amounts of sexual tension due to the common ground shared by members of said groups and the dearth of alternative religious companions. We reached out to religious members of the Dartmouth community to find out more.

“Dude, it gets crazy in here,” said Rob Schwartz ’22 of Chabad. “Like you’re just looking at every girl and thinking, ‘Oh shit, this might be the one I love monogamously and in accordance with God’s law.’ It’s so fucking hot.”

Female religious students seem to agree: “I’m not saying I want Dan to split me in two like Moses split the Red Sea,” said Beth Silverman ’19 of Chabad when reached for comment. “But your girl wants his Tower of Babel bad, know what I mean?”

Our report found the same trends at different groups around campus. Ahmed Ashraf ’19 had this to say: “I swear to Allah bro when we were reading about the Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him)’s call for clemency for the pagans of ancient Arabia, I was fully THIRSTIN’ for that girl Huma!”

When reached out to, Huma Tayib ’21 responded that she had no interest in dating before marriage. She did, however, add: “Still though, Astaghfurallah (Editor’s Note: “I seek forgiveness from Allah”), if Ahmed asked, I would ravage his body like God did the followers of Pharaoh.”

Supervisors of religious groups are concerned with these developments. Christian Union faculty advisor Bret Donnell had this to say: “I don’t know how to get this problem under control. The last time I brought up the Exodus in group discussion, one girl asked if I was talking about ‘nutting.’ I hate to take the Lord’s name in vain, but Christ Almighty, what the hell? Can we have a community based on shared values rather than sexual attraction?”

When reached for comment, Liz Conningham’19 replied angrily, saying “Look if he’s going to talk about all that Jesus stuff, I’m going to talk about needing to get nailed against a wall. That’s just going to happen.” At press time, a multi-faith dialogue at the Tucker Center had begun to devolve into what on-lookers described as a “deeply ashamed orgy.”

– OK ’21