Conservative Grandfather Delighted To Learn That College-Aged Granddaughter Shares His Political Views

Larry Phisher, 73, was delighted to learn that his granddaughter Shelly Phisher, 21, still shared his radically conservative political views at their holiday gathering.

“It’s great to know some kids still have some sense. I mean, especially with all these crazy youth politics,” Larry explained. “Anyway, I know she’ll find the right man to settle down with.”

“Mmmm,” confirmed Shelly, adjusting the Hayley Kiyoko, Love Is Love, and Lesbian Pride pins on her backpack.

Leaning back on his porch chair, Larry explained what he saw was the problem with most modern youth— that is to say, youth except for his granddaughter. “They’re feeling, and not thinking,” he said. “They feel, ‘immigrants should be let in.’ And they’re not thinking about the cost and burden to our economy. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. We can’t handle it. I’m not racist, but—”

Unfortunately, Shelly fell into a coincidental coughing fit.

“But the youth doesn’t consider these things,” continued Larry. “They’re all about their safe spaces! Well, toughen up, buttercup. The real world doesn’t have safe spaces. Right, honey?” he called.

To show her support, Shelly opened her mouth, closed it, raised her hand, and set it down on the table before grunting “sure” between gritted teeth.

Larry continued, “I just think, you know, if the deep state is coming for our guns, then we need to get more of them with us. She understands. We don’t need background checks. Those crisis actors are ridiculous.”

Pausing her brisk walk away, she sighed and let out a soft “ahhhhh!” in support.

At press time, Shelly was shocked to learn on the drive home from the gathering that her grandfather was, in fact, not dying.

– SL ’22