How to Set Boundaries with Your Roommate about Sex and the Dark Arts

When sharing a living space, communication is not a privilege, it’s a necessity. We all come from different backgrounds, and we all have different levels of comfort with certain aspects of our private lives. You know exactly what I mean, so let’s tear the band aid right off – sex 👏 and 👏 corrupt 👏 sorcery. They’re facts of our modern lives, so how do we break the taboo? Whether you’re woken up by your roommate’s moans of pleasure or chants of tongues, here’s how to set some damn boundaries! 

Step 1: Identify the problem 

In order to vocalize your concern, you have to figure out what exactly it is first. Define your problem in no uncertain terms. Consider how your roommate’s actions make you feel. Think to yourself, “Hey, I don’t like it when my roommate brings random guys back to our place” or “Hey, I think my roommate should find somewhere else to conduct ritual sacrifice, or at least offer to clean up the seething ram’s blood when it’s all over.” While it may seem trivial, identifying the problem is the most important step.  

Step 2: Set a time to talk 

If you want to get this done, you have to be proactive. Find a time when you know your roommate’s free. If they’re a partier, make it before they go out. If there’s an upcoming initiation rite for the Unholy Cult of G͖r̺̦ͅe͔̗̭̙͕ö̮̝͙̰̜ͅr̝͕̠̼̖f̩̙͍f the World Consumer, make sure to avoid the few hours following the severing of your roommate’s middle digit. Set the time in stone, but don’t be combative. After all, being a good roommate is all about working together and mutually recognizing the preeminence of black magic. 

Step 3: Make sure your roommate uses protection 

Roommates should look out for each other, so just confirm that yours knows the dangers of unprotected sex and also doesn’t challenge Satan in a game of wit. 

Step 4: Voice your concerns and set your boundaries 

This is by far the scariest part, but don’t back down now! The key is to be clear and articulate. Feel free to practice with a friend if you need to. It may sound something like, “The other night you locked me out of the room. This time it was for regular sex, next time it will be for a ritualistic orgy of the ancestral Dark Ones, through which they confer pestilence and corruption unto your mortal being. All I ask is that you give me a heads-up.”

Step 5: Do not utter the name of Pontifex Varhillion, Kin of Light 

Obviously avoid this at all costs.

Step 6: Listen to your roomie 

Now it’s your turn to listen. Hear what your roommate has to say. In all likelihood, they’ll tell you they’re sorry. They’ll make an effort to respect your concerns about their romantic partners. They’ll also promise not to summon the spirits of your unborn children and insert them into your nightmares any more. Congratulations, you’ve successfully set your boundaries!

Side Note: 

If your roommate responds to your concerns with a chorus of ten million condemned souls chanting, “BLOOD, DEATH, CHAOS. I REQUIRE VIRGIN SACRIFICE. DO NOT DEFY ME. YOUR WORLD IS AN ILLUSION,” then they’ve been possessed by the Dark Prince G͖r̺̦ͅe͔̗̭̙͕ö̮̝͙̰̜ͅr̝͕̠̼̖f̩̙͍f. Just try again later.

– GA ’21