Legacy Student Has Opinion on Affirmative Action

A series of interviews has revealed that legacy student Trip Trippington IV ’21 has strong opinions on affirmative action and its effect on the quality of higher education. In Mr. Trippington’s own words, “I just haven’t heard a good argument for letting in unqualified underachievers based on their family history rather than merit.” (Editor’s Note: Mr. Trippington, or Duke Trippington, as he is properly referred to in his family’s holdings outside of Segregation, Connecticut, is the fifth of his family and the fourth of his name to enroll at Dartmouth College.) “Clearly, the college is afraid of losing federal money by abolishing affirmative action. What kind of school would eschew all morals, destroy all semblance of meritocracy, and burn to the ground the bed wherein the American Dream is dreamed simply because they know they’ll make more money by letting in a certain kind of person? I find it absolutely reprehensible,” explained Mr. Trippington, as a waiter refilled his glass at Hanover’s Pine restaurant. “My great-grandfather had to pull himself up by his bootstraps. Why should it be different for anyone else? Why, he had to sell off all of his slaves just to launch his first textile factory– Excuse me, waiter, please take this back. This chicken is practically raw.”

Mr. Trippington was also wary of the large numbers of South and East Asian students at Dartmouth, whose numbers Affirmative Action often drives down. “I thought the one good thing about Affirmative Action was that it kept out the *****s. But I see them everywhere. And don’t get me started on our **** problem. But anyway, as I was saying, we should judge people not on the content of their gene pool but of their character.” (Editor’s Note: Mr. Trippington views on Jewish students were complex, extensive, and entirely unprintable.)

At press time, Mr. Trippington was writing an op-ed on Novack Café’s “excess diversity” while sitting in a wing of Baker-Berry that his family donated.

– OK ’21