Student Appalled at Intramural Basketball Teammates’ Lack of Effort

Christian Cohen ’20 of East Wheelock’s intramural basketball team is fed up with his teammates’ casual approach to the low-consequence intramural activity. Reporters caught up with Cohen during a recent practice to talk about his predicament.

“Yeah, it’s absolutely sickening the lack of effort I see out here,” said Cohen. “They treat the entire fucking game like a water break. Doesn’t this mean anything to them?”

Cohen explained that he was tired of seeing his teammates’ friendly attitudes toward their opponents. “This isn’t a fucking petting zoo. I wanna see them go full Tonya Harding on their asses,” he lamented.

Despite his frustration, Cohen is optimistic about the team’s future. “I feel like I’m really changing the culture around here,” he reflected, spritzing East Wheelock House Professor Janet Potter ’65 with a spray bottle while screaming, “I want to see you fucking SPRINTING, Janet! Nobody cares about your arthritis.”

Not all of Cohen’s teammates have responded to his win-at-all-costs mentality. “I’m mostly just out here to meet some new friends,” commented Liz Joseph ’22. “I only learned how to dribble yesterday, so I’m just trying to have fun,” said point guard John Schneider ’21.

But Cohen remains undeterred. “It’s tough to put the team on my back every single time, but sometimes you have to do what you do not because it’s easy but because it’s hard.”

At press time, Cohen has been ruled out for the upcoming intramural season after sustaining a concussion while making a diving catch during his family’s Thanksgiving-day football game.

– ZG ’22