Students Enjoy Seltzer in Lieu of Having Personalities 

Dartmouth students who have realized they aren’t interesting or individuals have turned to instead drinking seltzers.

“At Dartmouth I met all of these amazing people and realized that I didn’t have a personality,” says Kyle Morebach ‘21. “All my friends had a distinct and powerful sense of self that drove them and made them who they were, and I like… played high school soccer. I had nothing. But then I realized that CVS sells two twelve packs of Polar 100% Natural Seltzer for $8.00, and I could just buy those instead.” 

Morebach is now known as “the Polar Bear” because he always has at least three cans on him. “It really gave me a sense of personhood,” said the Polar Bear through several repressed seltzer-induced burps.

Monica Leary ‘20 expressed a similar sentiment in front of her dorm room’s wall, covered floor-to-ceiling with flattened La Croix boxes, the “La Cwall.”

“Yeah, I just love La Croix. It’s all I drink other than, like gin, and I thought the wall was a post-modernist take on the Keystone wall.” Leary ripped her La Croix stickered juul. “I haven’t had water in four months,” said Leary, lightly carbonated tears welling in her eyes, “it’s so tasty.”

On hard seltzer Whiteclaw, Ryan Highwater ‘22 agrees. Crushing a can, he said, “Yeah, I’m just a guy. I like memes, and I love Claws.” He cracked open his ninth can and looked at the Animal House and Winter Carnival posters above his bed and the beds of every person he knows. The interviewer noted that he appeared to be slowly inflating with pressurized gas.

“Do you watch The Office?” Highwater asked as he began to levitate and drift out his window, softly whispering, “mmhmm bubbles.”

-IC ’22