Dartmouth Ships Back Student Belongings, Is Charged with Federal Drug Trafficking

This June, Dartmouth College began returning student belongings left behind in dorm rooms after winter term, shipping across the country at the College’s expense. Unfortunately, logistical complications have arisen beyond just organizing movers and postage, as Dartmouth has since been indicted on 3,412 counts of interstate drug trafficking for the distribution of illicit substances to students across the United States.

“At first, we couldn’t believe it,” commented DEA officer Herbert Schrader. “How could an institution like Dartmouth orchestrate such an extensive drug trafficking network, and just by distributing to their own students?”

According to our sources, Dartmouth distributed 3,506 drug-containing packages from the New Hampshire campus to the homes of students across 43 different states. These packages contained items ranging from marijuana and Adderall to ketamine and pure cocaine, accompanied by colorful drug paraphernalia. Though authorities believe they have intercepted all drug shipments from the College, how Dartmouth administrators managed to secure such a wide array of illicit substances in the first place remains a mystery. One of our reporters spoke to Chester McFairweather, a Dartmouth sophomore who received one of these drug shipments from the College, to hear what he had to say on the issue.

“Yeah, I mean they just shipped me back my own stuff,” said McFairweather, “though I do wish they had packed it a little more carefully.”

When approached for comment regarding the charges, a spokesperson for the Dartmouth administration expressed disappointment in law enforcement’s handling of the situation, contending that the college has been wrongfully accused.

“This is outrageous,” remarked the spokesperson. “Unless shipping back our students’ oregano, powdered sugar, Special K cereal, and prescription medication is a crime, Dartmouth is clearly innocent.”

-HP ’22