Student Filling Out Third Matchmaking Survey Still Doesn’t Realize He’s The Problem

Mason Whitley ’23 has signed up for Last Chances, Dartmouth Marriage Pact, and Datamatch. Despite the fact that all three matchmaking services resulted in zero successful relationships, Whitely has not realized that the problem is, in fact, him.

“I don’t get it. I’m tall, I lift, and I’m not poor. How am I still single?” said Whitley, failing to consider that it is because he is a bad person.

Despite Whitley meeting with most of his matches, he has not been able to secure any sort of relationship, casual or otherwise. His Marriage Pact Match Allison Xi grabbed a meal with Whitley, but did not leave with a flattering impression.

“I really wasn’t expecting much, and I was honestly open to just having a hookup,” said Xi, “but I changed my mind pretty quickly when he licked his lips as soon as he saw me.” 

When asked for his thoughts, Whitley grumbled that the “computer nerds behind these things can’t design an algorithm that’ll find me a decent body to bang,” and that “he had a Lax practice to get back to.” 

At press time, Whitley was optimistic that he would have a better chance at love with “Mason’s List,” a new matchmaking service of his own design that allows young women to match with Mason Whitley. Per the new service’s user policy, “only 8s and above are allowed. But I’ll take a high 7 if you’re also packing a fatty.”

-NS ’23