So-Called “English Major” Can’t Come Up With Email Closer Other Than “Best”

Ethan Cutler, a ’21 majoring in English with a concentration in Creative Writing, recently found himself in email correspondence with his faculty advisor to discuss his poetry manuscript. Cutler’s emails, though riveting, all ended in “Best, Ethan Cutler” indicating a lack of creativity and a poor grasp on the English language.

“Absolutely horrendous. This is nothing more than droll, meaningless repetition. No creativity at all,” said Cutler’s faculty advisor Professor Wilkins, liking Cutler less and less. “Never mind how overused ‘Best’ is as an email closer. What does it even mean!? Best wishes? Best regards? Strong, descriptive imagery is the cornerstone of powerful writing. This email is pedestrian.” Professor Wilkins then proceeded to call every publishing avenue available to him and advised each one to never publish a writer as boringly unoriginal as Cutler.

Indeed, a deep analysis of Cutler’s inbox revealed that each email since he was fourteen has ended with “Best, Ethan Cutler.” Ethan has spoken English for 21 years, written dozens of essays, and read hundreds of books. Cutler’s vocabulary is currently in the thousands, bordering the fifty thousand mark. Evidently, only one of those words can be used to end an email.

At press time, Professor Wilkins wrote a strongly worded email back to Cutler explaining the importance of word choice. Wilkins ended the essay with “Sincerely,” the same email closer Wilkins has used in each of his emails for the past 45 years.

-NS ’23