Op-Ed: Stealing my Hoodie is Cute, But Why My Retainer Too?

Hey babe. Do you have a minute? Yeah. No, I just wanted to say that you know I don’t mind if you steal my hoodies. It’s kinda cute, honestly. But why my retainer too? Like, I thought it was weird these past few months when I woke up without my retainer, especially when I was sure that I went to bed the night before with it. But yesterday I saw you wearing it. Like, at breakfast, you were literally smiling at me, wearing my retainer, and talking with a lisp. Why? You’ve never even had braces.

Again, I’m okay with the hoodies. I love it, honestly. The way they’re way too big for you and how the sleeves are all floppy at the ends is adorable. Like, I know I pretend I’m annoyed and all, but deep down I really, really love it. But not the stealing my retainer thing. No, I definitely don’t like that. I can see your teeth slowly shifting to resemble mine.

Again, love the hoodies. Seeing them droop around you makes me want nothing more than to just snuggle with you, wrap my arms around you, and tell you that you’re the only one for me. Even if I’m a little bit colder, you look so comfy that it’s worth it. But last night I caught you reaching into my mouth trying to steal my retainer. I know it was you because I literally woke up with your hand in my mouth. And when I made eye contact with you, you hissed at me and put your other hand over my eyes. I was so scared, babe.

Just… just think about it okay? I’d really appreciate it if you could give me my retainer back.

-NS ’23