‘22 Tapped Into Secret Society Hopes To Be Bonked Into Ultra-Secret One

According to anonymous sources, Andrew Spencer ’22 was tapped into a secret society last week.

“I’m not allowed to say anything,” said Spencer, smiling, before adding, “being tapped isn’t a big deal. Tons of people are tapped into secret societies.” Fact-checkers were able to confirm that about 31% of seniors are tapped into secret societies.

“What really matters is being in an ultra-secret society. There’s no email or anything, but I really want to get bonked.” Spencer referred to the ultra-secret induction where members are bonked to learn of their membership.

“Best case scenario?” explained Spencer. “I get bitch-whacked, bludgeoned or bitten. But that only happens to a couple people and I probably don’t know enough upperclassmen.”

-SL ’22