Students With 15 Months Of Preparation Completely Unprepared For Campus Plague

As a nasty cold makes its way across campus, Dartmouth students find themselves “completely at a loss” as to how to stop the spread of this airborne respiratory illness, despite over a year of learning how to stop the spread of an airborne respiratory illness.

“I want to help out the community but I don’t even know where to start,” lamented Abigail Piklin ‘23, who still stays 6 feet away from people in off-campus public spaces out of habit. “How am I supposed to know anything about slowing down a virus like this? We’re treading new ground here that’s all I’m saying.”

Piklin has spent the past year taking every precaution to ensure both of her immunocompromised parents stayed healthy. “We’re all vaccinated now though, thank God. So I don’t have to worry about them getting sick anymore” she continued, demonstrating a basic misunderstanding of the immune system and germ theory.

“Look, we all want things to just be back to normal, and nothing says normal like audibly sniffling, coughing, and blowing your nose in FFB without attracting stares,” said Maddie Jameson ‘23. Jameson proceeded to look around, notice someone wearing a mask, and said out loud to herself, “Oh that’s probably a good idea,” as she continued to ignore the mask she still instinctively keeps in her pocket at all times.

“I was appalled that some people weren’t willing to put up with a slight inconvenience to protect their fellow citizens,” responded Jamie Lopez ‘23 when asked about the “MASK UP” and “SICK? STAY HOME” stickers on his computer. “We all need to step back and think about how our actions affect those around us.” Lopez, who later that night played 4 games of pong and shared drinks with 7 of his fraternity brothers, was reportedly “doubtful” that the itch in the back of his throat was anything to worry about.

At press time, Dartmouth administrators are relieved that the health of their students is “no longer our problem”.

– BD ’22