You Know It’s Not Wise To Throw Ice In My Eyes!

Snow, snow, there’s finally snow!
Seuss’s fun email sure did make me glow!
As a wee freshman I hoped for the night,
When I could get out for my first snowball fight!

The clock approached twelve and I frolicked outside.
Super excited, I bounced in my stride!
When it began, oh how I did laugh!
Tossing up snow through all the riff raff!

I skipped and played and tumbled with glee,
Just silly snow fun without injury!
Carousing with strangers was really quite nice,
Except for the people who like to throw ice!

Snowballs are SOFT, they burst with a “poof!”
Ice chunks are deadly and make you say “OOF!”
It’s really quite simple, it’s just common sense.
If you don’t get that you ought to be dense!

Technically speaking, the snow couldn’t pack.
Yet without the snowballs, you still could attack!
Dump snow on people, it gives quite a shock!
There is no excuse to throw ice that’s a rock!

Yet twelve minutes in, and what’s that I see?
A frightening fiend hurling ice chunks at me?
He smashes my eyes, point blank was my luck,
I stumbled away and thought “dude, what the fuck?”

Just like the Grinch, he had played a cruel trick!
His ice in my face was basically a brick!
Into the night he had scurried away,
He cackled with glee, having ruined my day!

My poor eyes slammed shut, stinging with pain,
Why would he do this, he must have no brain!
I bend over crying and what’s that I hear?
A big loud “KABOOM!” Firecrackers draw near?!

Ok, that’s it, I’ve just had enough!
I wasn’t expecting this night to get rough!
All through the Green I saw hooligans swarm,
It must be the time I head back to my dorm!

I fled to the street, freezing and weak,
Only to run right into an ass cheek!
I couldn’t believe it, my heart became empty,
As out from the woods there came streakers aplenty!

They barreled right at me, so I ran away.
They chased me so gruesomely back to the fray!
I shivered and shrieked, oh I sure did sob!
I found myself quickly sucked into the mob!

I slipped and tripped and fell on my rump,
Only to end up pulled onto the stump!
Ice chunks were flying, the crowd was all feral!
I was knocked out and fell down to great peril!

Later I woke and thought “wow I’m not dead!”
But then I saw that the Green was stained red!
When I rolled over a crunch made me groan,
As I was face down in a pile of Keystone!

I stumbled back home by the light of the moon,
I tripped over bodies, all ‘round they were strewn!
Oh I felt betrayed, this night should be tame!
We should have snow fights where no one is maimed!

I hope that my tale can teach you all a lesson,
That out on the Green there should be no aggression.
I came to the fight for some winter euphoria,
But then I left with a badly scratched cornea!

– LA ’25