Prince Andrew Stripped Of His Military Titles, A Devastating Blow For The English Defense Force

Prince Andrew received a colossal gut punch January 13 when his military titles, along with his public acclaim, were rescinded as a result of a sexual abuse civil lawsuit. Because of the recent court rulings, Andrew will no longer be able to lead the redcoats into battle, à la William Wallace. George Washington let out a sigh of relief from Mount Vernon.

When it was announced that the prince would relinquish his titles, Andrew was in the final stages of his plan to bring an end to the Axis powers. In his address to the royal court just last month, he proposed, “If we are ever going to take down Nazi Germany, we will need a power greater than ourselves. We have a friend in the United States, but finding an ally in the Soviet Union will bring us to the other side!” His court of officials, also dressed in military garb, whistled and clapped him offstage, then tucked him into bed. 

On Friday morning, the Duke of York visited the Ministry of Defense Headquarters in London one last time to clean out his desk. Upon the sight of him, nearly all of those who served under him stood on their desks, reciting “O Captain, My Captain.” 

Now that England’s guard is down, the future of the free world is a question waiting to be answered. Matthew Yoo, a senior fellow at the United Europe Think Tank, felt that this swift action puts the world in geopolitical uncertainty: “Like it or not, Prince Andrew’s strategic prowess was a major deterrent to Russian aggression. Ukrainian President Zelensky is begging the Queen to reconsider.”

The recent proclamations surrounding Prince Andrew mark a sudden end to his royal commitments. It goes to show that real world actions have real world consequences. Just ask Prince Andrew, who is still the Duke of York.

—CN ’25