“I’m So Glad That Free Food @ Now Is Back,” Says The Guy Who Just Stole Your Collis Muffin

Justin Reynolds, ‘22, has taken your Collis muffin, announcing that he is so glad that Free Food @ Now has returned in Dartmouth’s Covid-lax world. “I used to, like, Live off free food when it existed,” laughed Reynolds. “I missed it more than I realized.”

Reynolds then took a huge bite of your muffin, that you paid for with your DBA, frankly a little too much DBA, and especially too much DBA to pay for a stranger who didn’t even ask. “Man, this is good,” said Reynolds. “And it was just lying right out on the table.”

It was not the Collis Free Table, and you know this because you set this next to your backpack when you went to get a drink of water. 

Unavoidably, Reynolds saw you while he was talking to reporters. 

“Hey man!” said Reynolds. “Free food is back! I got this muffin but there aren’t any left, dude. Sorry.” This left you with the option to say, “Justin, that was mine” or “Just because a person isn’t immediately eating food doesn’t mean you can take it. There’s a GroupMe and everything.” 

Still, you can’t help but notice how happy Justin is with your muffin– his muffin. You know he didn’t mean any harm. Will you miss him next year, falling asleep halfway through film lectures and jerking himself awake with a snore/snort hybrid multiple times through the term? Maybe Justin is a reminder that for some people, baseless optimism seems almost reasonable. 

“It’s okay, man,” you say. “Enjoy your muffin.”

“Thanks, dude,” says Justin. 

He gives you a gentle punch on the shoulder where, unbeknownst to him, you have a tremendous bruise from falling on your bike. You grimace, attempting to smile as he walks out the door. Generously, he smiles back. 

– SL ’22