Rep. Annie Kuster Is Tired Of You Backstabbing Skanks

In her re-election bid, New Hampshire Representative Annie Kuster has worked hard on appealing to voters from all walks of life. In rallies across the state and in an intense digital advertising campaign, Rep. Kuster has made her case for reelection. With days left before the election, I met to speak with Kuster about her campaign.

“I don’t know, I just thought that the Granite State liked me,” said Kuster, lying dejectedly on her bedroom floor, where the interview was conducted. From Annie’s sad demeanor and tight hold on her teddy bear, it is clear that this campaign cycle has been tough.

When I asked her what her campaign was doing to appeal to voters outside of her base, Annie’s eyes began to swell with tears. “I’m just so done with these two-faced swing voters!” 

“They SKIP MY ADS!” she cried, sobbing into her pillow. I tried to comfort her, but she just gazed at me, glassy-eyed, and continued: “They all just skip right after I say my name. They said they would come out on election day! I promised Jenny that I’ll support reproductive rights and I promised Rodney that I’ll champion for housing equity. But they just… they just skip me! What do I have to do?! Do I have to go after those independent voters?”

I tried to tell her she was way too good for independent voters, but she just ran away in a tearful fit. I gave her some space, and texted her once I got home to assure her that I would always be there for her. “they just dont understannd that womin’s helth is on the ballot this yearrr!” she replied. 

“You’re drunk,” I responded, “Call me so I know you’re safe.” An hour later, no reply. In resignation, I opened up my computer only to find a pop-up ad waiting for me…

“I’m Annie Kuster, and you’re a fake bitch fake friend! This year, make your voice heard to my face at 9 am tomorrow, fucker. This year’s election is a crucial battle against you and your gaslighting!”

I wanted to skip, but I couldn’t do that to Annie. That whole night, other voters reported similar messages. Representative Annie Kuster called Jenny an easy whore and called Rodney a dirty hobo. Said Annie in a drunken Instagram live: “Maybe I’ll go run in Vermont! They would treat me better!” It was a shocking meltdown from Annie, but I promise she’s not really like that. Guys, you don’t get it, her dad is, like, really hard on her.

The last time I saw Annie, she was eating strawberry ice cream and sending her sixth DM to Maggie Hassan with no reply. As I massaged her shoulders, she mumbled, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. What are they saying about me? Do they think I’m hot? Do they think I’m a slut? Do they think I’m electable??” I just turned off her computer, and Annie finally broke down. I pulled her into a hug, and in a muffled, joyous whisper, she said, “This hug is almost as tight as the election this Tuesday. So get out there and-” I hushed her; no more election thoughts until morning. 

She’s sleeping right now, bundled up in her fuzzy duckie-patterned covers. She looks so peaceful when she sleeps. Annie Kuster’s too good for you, New Hampshire. This reporter is ride or die for that bitch, and anyone that crosses her is going in the Bob Burns Book.

— CT ’26