Meet The Newest Member Of Local Fraternity: Guy Stuck To Basement Floor

After an exciting fall rush cycle for Dartmouth’s fraternities, we interviewed a particularly spirited pledge of Alpha Kappa Beta, Jack Glass ‘25, in the basement of AKB last week. “I wasn’t initially interested in rushing, but one Friday night something about AKB really stuck with me… or on me, I guess” said Glass. According to SNS documents, on Friday the 4th of October security officers were called to AKB after reports of a young man getting stuck to the basement floor. 

“Yeah, that was me,” said Glass. “It was a little embarrassing at first, with the officers swarming and all, but I’m so grateful for the brothers. They really welcomed me into the house, even though I joined late.” 

“Oh yeah, floor dude! I love that guy,” stated AKB brother Jacob Levinbrook ’24. Levinbrook could not recall any of Glass’s traits, other than that Glass is a “total rager, he’s always in the basement.” Allston Maddox ’23, president of AKB, stated “Glass is one of us. We take care of our own. We got him a little litter box, and a pledge helps him clean it every day.” 

When asked about removing Glass from the basement floor, Maddox replied, “Uh, we’re working on solutions right now, but we’ve gotten used to having him around, you know. He’s a brother now. Getting him out would require a total overhaul of the house.”

Glass commented, “Leave? But I like it down here. I never have trouble getting into the house or getting on table. Other pledges complain about having to come down here for cleans, or for haz- sorry, for new member orientation at 4 in the morning. I’m already here! AKB’s basement is a little dark, unsanitary, dangerous to some, and represents many of the worst parts of the college in a physical sense, but it’s my home now, whether I like it or not.” 

—NH ’25