Bait and Bullet Club Members Shoot Down Chinese Spy Balloon On Hunting Trip In Search of “Good Eatin'”

Dartmouth’s Bait and Bullet club unexpectedly assisted the U.S. military in shooting down the Chinese spy balloon traversing American airspace this week, officials in the Department of Defense confirmed Saturday. 

“The path of the balloon, combined with its altitude and unique geometry, made this a real tricky mission,” General B.M. Forsythe said, rubbing his stubble-covered chin thoughtfully. “So imagine our surprise when a bunch of students from New Hampshire took it down, hoping to cook and eat it.”

According to confidential military records, Bait and Bullet members were in the Carolinas — the balloon’s final resting place, and home to the nation’s finest barbeque sauce — on a boar hunting trip this past week. The balloon, which entered continental U.S. airspace over Idaho on Tuesday, had drifted across the country with the prevailing winds. The group, starving after having failed to find a single boar on their trip, spotted it Thursday evening and tracked it from the ground all day Friday.

“We saw it floatin’ in the sky and couldn’t really make out what it was,” noted Bait and Bullet captain Lexie Xiao ’23, chewing on a plug of spitting tobacco and leaning on an old hunting rifle. “But we knew one thing: it would make good eatin.’”

On Saturday, the final order came down to the military from President Joe Biden himself: “Here’s the deal. Bring the damned thing down, folks.” Before fighter jets even left the ground, however, the balloon was hurtling toward Earth, having been picked off by multiple shots from Bait and Bullet members. 

“When Lexie took the first shot, we thought she might’ve scared it off,” Bait and Bullet member Kiran Mendez ’24 said. “But it just kept floatin’, a hair slower, so we all started shootin’, and before we knew it, it was fallin’.” 

Luckily for residents of coastal North Carolina — and unluckily for the hungry students — the balloon fell into the ocean, where it quickly sank. 

“We’re damned lucky that thing didn’t fall on someone’s house,” lamented F-22 pilot Jim McGee, who was slated to shoot the unmanned craft down before his takeoff was canceled. “And now, I’m not gonna get my kill!”

Reached for comment Saturday afternoon, a Chinese embassy official confirmed the downing of the balloon. “We thought it would be immune to even the top U.S. capabilities,” the official, granted anonymity for his own protection, said. “But now we know: don’t mess with those Bait and Bullet hicks when they’re hungry.”

— K.M. ’22