The Best And Worst Places To Get A “Nosebleed” On Campus

What’s up Dartmouth! This blog goes out to all of my fellow students with dry noses and poor self control. If the chilly winter term weather has exorbitant amounts of plasma vacating your nostrils, staining your personal effects, or revealing your genetic makeup, you need to make sure your gory incidents are happening in the right places and at the right times. I’ll be breaking down exactly what you need to do and where you need to go to prevent embarrassing, blood-soaked run-ins with friends, professors, or the Hanover police department.

Before we can rank our campus locations, there are a few supplies you should always bring to the scene of the “nosebleed”: Tissues, Vaseline, 2 Tampons, Backup outfit, Bleach, Gloves, and a Ski mask. 

Now, to the main event. Here is my breakdown of the top 5 locations to commit a “nosebleed”, or any other red fluid forward activity, at Dartmouth.

#5 – Foco. This is not an ideal place to get a “nosebleed.” There are always lots of people around, and if anyone sees you do it your life will be over. Make sure your nose is not spotted near the victim. 

#4 – Your dorm room. While there might not be any witnesses, any traces of the incident will inevitably be linked to you. Unless you are planning to frame your roommate for the cri–I mean “nosebleed”, this is not a good option. 

#3 – A frat basement. This is a middle of the road option. Very busy, but a serial nosebleeder could take advantage of the crowd and the noise. After the deed is done, try hysterically pointing out the body to party-goers as a form of misdirection. 

#2 – Bema. While bema is a popular host for suspicious activities, it is still close enough to the rest of campus that a passerby might hear your “nosebleed” and alert the authorities. If they find you out, they’ll lock you up and when the time comes your family will spit on your grave.

#1 – Pine park. With reduced foot traffic in the winter, the snowy trees of pine park are a great place to “nosebleed” someone in secrecy. The nearby Connecticut river also provides a convenient opportunity for the disposal of any proof of the “nosebleed”. Still, remember to not let your guard down and be careful to avoid a large splash when disposing of the evidence. 

And with that, I wish all of my hemoglobin-drenched peers a happy winter term. To my loyal readers, please remember to be careful, as recently there has been a string of mysterious disappearances. Safe places include dark alleyways, empty parking lots, and of course, Pine Park. Stay vigilant!

— B.M. ’26