I Cannot Go To School Today

After Shel Silverstein’s Sick:

I cannot go to school today,

Said Dartmouth students in a fray.

Wall Street Journal put us so low,

My self esteem just took a blow.

Of the best, we’re just 21.

Brigham Young is ahead? We’re done!

At least we beat fucking Cornell,

And they beat Brown but we all fell.

And look at this! Harvard’s at six

Not number one you fucking pricks.

Oh shit I just saw US News,

I can’t handle this ego bruise.

Number 18!? This can’t be real.

My world’s collapsing and won’t heal.

We’re the worst ranked Ivy League school,

Are we no longer smart and cool?

And when I go home over break,

They’ll think my brilliance is fake!

My elitism will fade! Poof!

Other Ivies will act aloof!

Gone, the days of hometown glory,

My future is looking gory.

I now go to a low-grade school,

The job world’s looking extra cruel.

I’ll die alone, no one to hold,

All because Dartmouth’s rankings sold.

The end of the world’s surely here,

We no longer hold right to sneer.

I will never recover from this trage- what?

What’s that? Is this bait?

You say Niche put us at…eight?

Okay, I’m back to feeling great

—MF ’25