Student Consulting Groups Begin Downsizing Each Other

Amid a year of sparse project opportunities, the student consulting groups at Dartmouth have begun looking for alternative ways to do free labor without volunteering in the community. After hearing these complaints from members of Dartmouth’s Tech Consulting Group, Paul Fraser, Senior Partner of the Dartmouth Consulting Group, had an epiphany; he offered to work on Dartmouth Tech Consulting’s issue of having too few projects to do. When asked about the move, Marshall Green, the Executive Senior Partner of Dartmouth Tech Consulting refuted DCG’s claim.

“No, they are not helping us. I’m just letting them consult for us because that is our club’s way of synergizing Dartmouth Consulting Group’s lack of consulting projects.” When asked to elaborate, Green informed us that there would be a consultation fee for a more detailed explanation.

Dartmouth Consulting Group outlined their strategic plan to save the Dartmouth Tech Consulting Group from a lack of activity.

“Circling back to what we’ve done here,” explained Connor Marshal, Lead Executive Senior Partner of Dartmouth Consulting Group, “is that we have reviewed the Dartmouth Tech Consulting Group’s structure, and decided to streamline their management and operations.”

To confirm this account, former Executive Senior Partner of Dartmouth Tech Consulting, Marshall Green said, “They fucking fired me.”

Meanwhile, the Dartmouth Tech Consulting Group was working on their turnaround of the Dartmouth Consulting Group. A representative from the Tech Consulting Group, who demanded to be referred to as Chief Lead Executive Senior Partner, explained that Dartmouth Consulting Group’s electronic systems were being updated. “They also fired me,” added Conner Marshal, the former Lead Executive Senior Partner from earlier in the article.

A few days after Tech Consulting’s work to “revitalize” and “streamline” DCG’s software systems, they were hacked.

Tech Consulting offered to help DCG track down the hackers as part of a new project, however, the hackers immediately identified themselves as Consult Your Community, a campus consulting group that focuses on communities.

“Let’s put a pin in the word “hack,”,” explained David O’Connor, a Supreme Chief Lead Executive Senior Partner at Consult Your Community. “We too have had Tech Consulting do work for us. We assumed that they also changed all of the DCG passwords to ‘123456’ as they did that for our organization. They claimed that it ‘streamlined our operations’.”

After being pressed by DCG and Tech Consulting, Fraser McDavid, a representative for Consult Your Community, whose title is omitted due to its tremendous length, detailed how they gave the funds to the group International Students in Consulting at Dartmouth.

“You see,” McDavid explained, “Before these other consulting groups were consulting each other, we were doing consulting work for the International Students in Consulting at Dartmouth. We started the trend of consulting for consultants. As the phrase goes, ABC- Always Be Consulting. We promised to increase their profits by 10,000%. Surprisingly, we missed this goal, so have been looking for alternative ways to meet it. We realized that DCG had an excess of cash flow, so we decided to reallocate it to the other consulting group in order to fulfill the goal our own consulting group had.”

At press time, the consulting groups have streamlined this very article, and fired the author.

– JV ’26