With New Collis Renovations, Student Life Now Offering Walk-In Circumcisions

“ATTENTION ALL DARTMOUTH STUDENTS! SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR FORESKIN!” 

So reads the new sign hanging outside of Collis 218. In conjunction with renovations to the Collis Center, the Office of Student Life has decided to repurpose the room from a group study and meeting space to a walk-in circumcision clinic. 

Student Life Director Rufus Hingle says he was overjoyed when given an opportunity to pitch in on some internal Collis renovations to go along with the $5-million construction project outside. He said the 4GET UR 4SKIN! community cohesion project had been in the back of his mind for years, and he immediately got to work on putting together a complementary, 8-to-8 walk-in clinic where students could stop by for a clean snip. 

Collis 218 was Mr. Hingle’s choice for the clinic. Some have raised objections regarding the privacy of patients, considering the presence of several large windows which make the operating table plainly visible from the hallway. Mr. Hingle noted, however, that the open concept reflected the “operational transparency” of his plan. He also believed that using Collis 218 would limit confusion as to the location of the clinic, since the number 8 “kind of looks like balls.”

Mr. Hingle conducted over 20 interviews in search of a professional to perform the procedure, but he said the ultimate decision was obvious. “This job was perfect for me,” said Dr. Saul H. Penisberg. The renowned mohel, known around the Upper Valley as “The Snip,” has amassed a reputation for his unique process of styling the head of the penis. His “circum-vision,” as he calls it, involves a variety of compelling designs. “I’m no ordinary mohel,” flaunted Dr. Penisberg. “The penis is a canvas, and my scissor the brush. Years of procedures have enlightened me to the fact that the phallus is just plain ugly. But it doesn’t have to be that way. The penis is the most personal part of the body, so why not make it your own?”

The doctor took me to his office to see his “style wall,” much like the haircut posters you’d see in an ordinary barbershop. As Dr. Penisberg pointed to his photographs, he explained, “I can take a little off the top, or more of a clean buzz. Deep cuts, fades sometimes. Some people like a bowl cut. Others go for mullets, mo-cocks, or Freudian snips. Athletes tend to go for the more agile designs. For swimmers, I recommend a cone shape, but a block design is better for contact sports. What I can do with the head of the penis is truly amazing.”

I asked Dr. Penisberg what kinds of challenges he faces at the operating table. “Well, sometimes the nature of the interaction might cause an erection, which tends to make the procedure more difficult,” he said. “I just try to tuck it into my waistband. Sometimes, there’s also just a lot of material to work with—the technical term is ‘five-skin.’ But over the years, I’ve learned that through the right hands, surplus penis can be molded for sexual efficiency. Just ask the women! Sometimes they’ll come in with a boyfriend or husband and make a special request for one of my platinum-package designs. The procedures can take hours, but crafting the foreskin into rings, alternating ridges, or bristles has been shown in a double-blind study to increase pleasure ten-fold.” Commenting on his salary, the doctor noted, “I get paid a more-than-reasonable salary, but I don’t do rip-offs—I tend to lop it off instead. As per the Dartmouth job, the pay is alright. The tips are good, but you’re really not supposed to keep them.”

As of the date of the publication of this article, the clinic has performed all of two circumcisions: one for Mr. Hingle himself, and one for Jake Blutnik ‘26. “I thought it was a colon cancer check,” Blutnik explained. “I’ve already been circumcised. That doctor just slipped me some pills and molded my tip into a ball. I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do with this.” When asked for comment, Mr. Hingle conceded that the project hasn’t been quite as successful as he thought: “I thought the cool designs would get plenty of young people in the building, but they don’t seem very receptive. Plus, I tried to be green by recycling the foreskins into mock cold-cuts for the FoCo sandwich stand, but apparently that wasn’t very ‘clean’ of me.”

The day after our interview, Mr. Hingle was dismissed from his position. The Administration commented that they had no idea about the clinic, and firmly condemned Mr. Hingle’s use of college funds to pay for his own circumcision, and for exposing himself to students in Collis. Asked for comment, Dr. Penisberg warned, “don’t make a mountain out of a mohel!”

— JW ’27