Frank Park ’24, who spends his lectures browsing through Instagram, complains that Dartmouth’s Zoom classes are too hard. “I just don’t think it’s fair,” said Park, still scrolling. “Professors assign way too much homework without…
So I was walking down the street the other day, and everyone around me was wearing these masks on their faces. Have you noticed that? Not the ones that cover the whole face – just…
After realizing that “only nerds have time to read stupid books,” the Dartmouth Administration has closed the Kresge and Paddock Libraries. “Only fucking losers want to read,” says President Phil Hanlon ‘77. “Physical Sciences? Music?…
Due to their thinly veiled “initiation” tasks on social media this week, it has become overwhelmingly apparent that secret Senior Societies are really bad at keeping themselves secret. Sources show that every single Dartmouth student…
According to anonymous sources, Andrew Spencer ’22 was tapped into a secret society last week. “I’m not allowed to say anything,” said Spencer, smiling, before adding, “being tapped isn’t a big deal. Tons of people…
Hey babe. Do you have a minute? Yeah. No, I just wanted to say that you know I don’t mind if you steal my hoodies. It’s kinda cute, honestly. But why my retainer too? Like,…
I was studying in Novack last Sunday and I forgot to put my Spotify on private mode. I was tired. I was sad. Yes, I listened to the ska version of “Come on Eileen” covered…
Ethan Cutler, a ’21 majoring in English with a concentration in Creative Writing, recently found himself in email correspondence with his faculty advisor to discuss his poetry manuscript. Cutler’s emails, though riveting, all ended in…
Mason Whitley ’23 has signed up for Last Chances, Dartmouth Marriage Pact, and Datamatch. Despite the fact that all three matchmaking services resulted in zero successful relationships, Whitely has not realized that the problem is,…
Dartmouth student Jack Rowley ’23 says he is worried that he isn’t benefiting as much from being hazed over Zoom as he would have with more conventional hazing. A recent pledge at a Dartmouth fraternity,…
After last Friday’s announcement that the administration would walk back their vow to eliminate five varsity teams, those egomaniacal attention whores are yet again trying to break through the headlines, this time slashing the College’s…
I am so glad CVS locks Plan B in large plastic boxes. This may make people less comfortable as they seek essential healthcare, but it is worth it. Now that Plan B is locked away,…